I was widowed at 36 with four kids. I've found new love, and my partner helps me honor my husband's life.

• Mindy Rouse's husband, Jamie, died at home from a heart attack in 2020.
• She speaks about him often with their four kids, ages 8 to 16.
• She's found new love and talks about Jamie with her partner, too.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mindy Rouse, owner of Moo Moo's Farm. It has been edited for length and clarity.

When my dad set me up on a blind date, I had no idea I was about to meet my life partner. I was only 21 and still in college. My dad was a farmer, and he set me up with the son of another farmer.

I had no idea what Jamie would look like, but I was happy when I saw him. More than looks, I was struck by what a good person he was. It was a breath of fresh air to go on a date with someone who was as committed to farming and faith as I was. We ate pizza together, and then Jamie showed me around his family farm. Three years later we had a big wedding in my home church, then went on a simple honeymoon to Myrtle Beach. Jamie needed to be back to pick wheat on the farm.

I didn't mind. Life with Jamie was my fairytale dream life. We had three boys in about eight years. When we discovered we were pregnant again, it was a surprise. We didn't find out the sex until birth, and I finally got my little girl.

Jamie died in our bedroom after a massive heart attack

On the Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2020, Jamie and I were in bed watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. I heard a little sigh like he was expelling air. When I looked over, his eyes were rolled back in his head.

I immediately called 911. The dispatcher told me to wake up my oldest son — who was 13 — so he could help me get Jamie onto the floor. I performed CPR until the ambulance got there. Then, the paramedics took over for about an hour. Ultimately, there was nothing they could do: Jamie was pronounced dead in our bedroom.

We later learned that he had three blockages in his heart, which led to a massive heart attack. We'd thought he was in perfect health. He'd had a physical only six weeks before.

Jamie was only 43 when he died. I was 36, and our kids were 13, 9, 5, and 3. Life as we knew it was over.

We moved about a year later and started rebuilding

In the months after Jamie's death, I was just surviving. Family stayed over almost every night. On Christmas, I asked them to go home. I wanted to be Santa for me and Jamie. Waking up with the kids, but without my husband, was heart-wrenching. But I cooked them a big breakfast just like Jamie usually did. In the years since, I've tried hard to keep our family traditions so the kids still feel a connection to Jamie.

The kids were out of school for one week, but I took a three-month leave of absence from my job as an occupational therapy assistant at a local school. I did grief counseling and focused on learning who I was and what I was doing with this life I never wanted.

I knew I wanted to sell our home, where Jamie had died. About 15 months after his death, I bought a small farm on the same road I grew up on, about 15 minutes from Jamie's family farm. That's where the kids and I started rebuilding our lives.

I needed to love and be loved after losing Jamie

Farming was so important to me and Jamie. He never raised animals, but he wanted our kids to experience the responsibility of living on a farm. Today, the kids and I have tons of animals on our farm, including cows, horses, alpacas, goats, and poultry. Recently, the farm has become our business: on the weekends, we host birthday parties and other agro-tourism events. It's all dedicated to Jamie, and a huge family picture on our barn reads, "Your legacy will live on."

Like lots of couples, Jamie and I talked about what we wanted the other to do if we died. He told me he wanted me to continue living and to find a partner who loved me and the kids. I know that was the true wish of Jamie's heart, and it brought me comfort after he died. That, and my faith.

I started dating about a year after Jamie's death. I needed to love and be loved when that had been snatched away from me so suddenly. I knew no one would ever be Jamie, but I hoped to find someone who was as good as him in his own way.

I'm now dating Brooks, the man I know will be my second husband. Brooks hears Jamie's name frequently. He loves when I share stories about Jamie because it helps him feel connected to me. Now, with my new partner, I can continue living and honoring Jamie's life.