My boyfriend and I don't mix money, but he wants to borrow $12,000. Should I give it to him?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader doesn't mix money with their boyfriend — but he asked for a $12,000 loan.
• Our columnist says the reader should revisit their boundaries.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, live together, and are discussing marriage and starting a family.

I have always had firm boundaries around finances. We do not touch each other's money, we pay for our mutually agreed-upon share of the bills, and we do not try to influence one another's spending or saving habits.

Early on in our relationship, he tried to weigh in on my money choices by saying that if we were going to share a life, we had to take one another into account, and I shut it down immediately as this was a huge point of conflict in my parents' marriage.

He took it well, and it's been going fine ever since. Lately, though, he has decided to start a lawn care business and needs money for his equipment. He asked me for a $12,000 loan to get his business off the ground. I believe in him, and think he will be successful, and I appreciate him planning to pay me back, but getting involved in one another's finances has always been a hard line for me.

I know his request is reasonable, but this feels like a dangerous precedent to set. Should I compromise or stick to my boundary?

Sincerely,

Supportive, but Scared

Dear Supportive, but Scared,

I love that society has settled on "boundaries" as the term for the rules we set for ourselves and the people in our lives. The property lines the word evokes perfectly represent how these personal limits should work.

Property lines delineate the portion of land that belongs to us — the area where we call the shots and set the standards. They keep strangers who don't know our rules or expectations from trespassing into our space, and even our friends and family are only welcome by invitation. We typically extend an invitation only to those we trust will respect our rules and the ownership of our space. When we talk about emotional boundaries, they operate the same way. They operate by determining who we can trust to respect our personhood and who we allow to even try.

That's the thing about boundaries, though: When we think of them as walls, compromising them feels like being attacked. Why would you take a wrecking ball to the thing that's kept you safe for so long?

But I prefer to see boundaries as a gate; the passkey is trust. When we think of compromising a boundary for a loved one, it isn't self-sabotage when we open the gate but a thoughtful invitation.

The financial boundaries you've set with your boyfriend have been working. They kept you from sliding down your parent's path of conflict and control, and that's no easy task. I respond to questions every week that stem from that very issue.

However, if your boyfriend has earned your trust, you have to let him in at some point. This doesn't mean you have to rethink what you have determined is the best strategy for sharing finances (or, in this case, not sharing them), but it does mean that if you don't view your boyfriend as a threat, you have to stop acting like you do.

Your boyfriend asked you for a loan, not an investment. That distinction matters, because an investment is him asking you to wrap your financial futures up together in the same business endeavor. A loan implies he understands your hesitance to get each other involved in your finances; he is asking you to believe in him.

Reading your letter, it seems your concern is that if you allow your finances to commingle, he will begin to act like he has a say over your money choices. But this is why it's crucial to understand the difference between a boundary and a value. A boundary is a safeguard; a value is a strong stance on what matters and what doesn't.

You can let your boyfriend cross your no-financial-entanglement boundary while standing by your value of not influencing how the other spends their money. The question again goes back to trust.

You said you believe in your boyfriend and asked me if you should compromise or stick to your boundaries. Here's my answer: Do you trust him to honor your values once you've let him past the boundary line?

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.