My spouse and I are $25,000 in debt, and he refuses to sell his things to help. How do I get him to care?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's spouse refuses to help out with a $25,000 debt.
• Our columnist suggests making him an active participant in paying bills each month.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My spouse took early retirement a few years ago, and I was put on disability. We have about 50% of our previous income, and we have two mortgages and about $25,000 in credit card debt.

If it weren't for a family member who very generously pays our mortgage every month, we wouldn't make it.

My spouse has several big-ticket items that could be sold, but refuses to do so. I'm at my wits' end, while he acts like there isn't a problem. After 40 years of marriage, my spouse and I need to find ways to get cash. How can I make him understand?

Sincerely,

Worrying Wife

Dear Worrying Wife,

The situation you described sounds stressful, especially since the person who is supposed to shoulder 50% of this burden "acts like there isn't a problem." I wonder why this is.

Does he really not see the problem? Is he running the numbers and getting different results than you? Is he just used to things always working out? Or, is he simply hiding the enormity of his worry, but is actually paralyzed by it?

Figuring out why is the key to communicating the urgency of the problem to your spouse. I have one recommendation, no matter what the answer is: Talk to the family member who pays your mortgage, and ask them to talk to him about their gift.

When someone has been giving you something for long enough, it's easy to take their generosity for granted and begin seeing their gift as another form of income rather than as the temporary reprieve that it is.

Whatever the reasons for their ongoing gift, it's important that they, as opposed to you (someone he may already view as a bit of a Chicken Little), remind him that their situation could change at any time, affecting yours by default. Even putting a face back on the recurring check may shake him out of his stupor.

That said, if he's simply working with a different set of calculations than you, bringing in a financial advisor could be another impactful way to demonstrate the dire reality of your situation. This option will cost money that I know you're short on, but if a few hundred dollars is what it takes to get your spouse to sell thousands of dollars' worth of assets to keep the lights on, it will be worth the cost.

Another way you can show him the severity of your financial problems is to make sure he sees and comprehends the interest statements on your credit cards and any collection letters you might be receiving. He doesn't get to nap below deck while you try to outsail the storm alone.

One way to ensure this is to put him in charge of the bills. As you already know, being the one to move debt around to get the most important bills paid on time and spending half the month sweating over which will hit your account first — the withdrawal or the deposit — is a highly stressful way to live.

On the flip side of this, avoiding these realities affords you a level of blissful ignorance that tends to breed irresponsible financial habits. So, let him learn the hard way. If he is a reasonable, intelligent person, he won't shrug off $25,000 in credit card debt. When he feels that this number is his problem to solve, he will have little other choice than to look at his big-ticket possessions very differently.

There's also always the last possibility I posited. Your spouse may be aware of the scope of the problem and feel paralyzed by anxiety. If this is the case, there's nothing to be gained by hitting him over the head with the enormity of the problem. Instead, try breaking the problem down into doable chunks. You may want to consult with a financial planner for this as well, or you could look into debt relief programs.

Honestly, in the face of disaster, I tend to freeze rather than fight. So, I know firsthand that stopping the bleeding and having a straightforward treatment plan is about the only way to get me unstuck and back in action.

If all your spouse knows is that the already massive problem is growing by the minute, being told to sell his prized possessions or to vaguely "make more cash" may seem as pointless as it is hopeless. This doesn't mean you should minimize the issue to keep him comfortable. Instead, offer him a clear plan for solving the issue. This won't just show him the tangible value of selling his big-ticket items; he may also feel capable of it.

When it comes to family crises, being the only person who seems to recognize the issue and the only one interested in solving it can feel overwhelming — in other words, you might feel the same way your spouse feels.

Remember that it's OK to take a day off worrying. Don't be afraid to ask for help or ashamed of receiving it. And remember, you aren't the only adult in a room. Sometimes, if you want someone to step up, you have to make room on the ladder.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.