Nicolais: Amid so much grief, here’s hoping we can find grace and gratitude

A week before Christmas I sat outside a coffee shop with a friend whose grandson had been murdered just over six weeks before. The juxtaposition to festive holiday drinks and cheery Christmas decorations made the conversation even more poignant.

This holiday season, more than others in the past, seems to be touched by loss for many.

As for me, I am glad I had the chance to visit with my friend. When we first spoke in the immediate aftermath of the tragedy, she was across the state and dealing with the shock and emotion of learning about his death. Details were sparse and overcome by raw emotion. She had raised him through childhood and spoke to him on the phone most days. It seemed like being on the phone was not nearly enough.

This past week, though, she came to Denver to meet with the prosecutors charged with bringing her grandson’s killer to justice. She seemed reassured and settled by their professionalism and courtesy. Additionally, she has begun working on a new foundation in her grandson’s honor. It will focus on educating people, primarily young people, about drug-addiction and gun violence. 

While still grieving, she had begun the process of gratitude for the time she had with her grandson and the good he sent out into the world. 

For us, it meant talking about the rest of our lives and updating each other with personal news and changes. Since it had been nearly a decade since we saw each other, that meant we both had plenty to say.  It was a gift I am thankful I received.

It also demonstrated that she had not been wholly swallowed by grief and loss. She had every right to be, but somehow found the strength to resist.

That theme seems to be abundant this year. Another friend lost his soon to suicide and a third is spending the days before Christmas beside her ailing grandmother’s bed, telling her it is OK to rest when she is ready. 

For many others, it is dealing with personal relationships shattered by political strife. 

After a tumultuous election cycle, partisan rancor has reached an all-time high. While political fringes have long engaged in harsh rhetoric, it seeped into the everyday lives of less political individuals. The election of former President Donald Trump has caused his supporters to gloat as those who opposed him have seen their faith in democracy shaken.

That in turn has decimated friendships and families.

In my experience, it seems to be more liberals opting out of ongoing relationships with conservatives this year. For one thing, conservatives by nature do not open themselves up to people who disagree — the definition of conservative is to resist change or alternatives. However, while progressives and liberals often made efforts to maintain those connections despite differences, many have found they no longer have the energy or desire.

A liberal friend of mine told me she traditionally makes eggnog for friends and extended family in her conservative state. After many of those same people cited the “cost of eggs” as a reason to cast a ballot for Trump, she has turned the same refrain back on them as a reason not to spread her traditional holiday cheer this year. Based on recent statements from Trump, they probably should not expect anymore soon, either.

I have heard similar stories of others opting out of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. I even wrote a column about social media users finally making an exodus from the site-formerly-called-Twitter. They have not found the benefits of relationships outweigh the psychological cost.

Nonetheless, that means the holidays look and feel a lot different for many of us this year. Smaller gatherings, fewer people around the table. What may have once been a crowded, boisterous event may now be a smaller, more intimate gathering. It is natural to miss those not with us for any reason and to be stuck in a loop of fond memories.

Change is hard and it is even harder in the holidays.

But it is also a chance to make new memories and new traditions. For my non-nogging friend, that might mean more time with her immediate family and some extra time to cook holiday treats with them.

For those who have had to forgo get togethers with politically divergent acquaintances, it may mean seeking out options with new, more like-minded friends. 

And for people like me and the friend I had coffee with, it meant finding time for people we lost touch with to demonstrate that our losses do not need to be endured alone, without respite. Rather, they can be a reason to reunite and rely on love that appeared all but burned out. 

Once you start looking for things to be grateful for during the holiday season, it turns out it is not too difficult to find. To the contrary, it seems to be a magical time that makes it easier for open hearts to overcome trying times.

At least, that is my Christmas wish for everyone out there struck by grief this year: may you also find gratitude and grace along the same road.

Mario Nicolais is an attorney and columnist who writes on law enforcement, the legal system, health care and public policy. Follow him on Bluesky: @MarioNicolais.bsky.social.

The Colorado Sun is a nonpartisan news organization, and the opinions of columnists and editorial writers do not reflect the opinions of the newsroom. Read our ethics policy for more on The Sun’s opinion policy. Learn how to submit a column. Reach the opinion editor at opinion@coloradosun.com.

Follow Colorado Sun Opinion on Facebook.